Saudade

I just put Ajay to bed after reading him ‘Green Eggs and Ham’; he turned 7 just a month back. Weird how time passes by us, while we watch it play out like a movie. It would have been great if my movie had a happy ending to it. It’s been 3 years and 11 days since I wrote that letter to her; I still check my mail box every morning hoping to hear back from her.  I guess there is something that she doesn’t want to show and well a dumb person would have guessed by now and the answer seems to be a no. Well I am tired of waiting so I write myself back, I imagine giving myself a tragic end. So I sit by the dining table in the drawing room while the moon light peeks through the square windowpane, they are all here tonight to witness my pain.

“” Hey,

I am sorry I mean to write you sooner but you know I have been busy. I know you asked me to write only if my answer is yes, but I want you to understand that I am not writing this for us to get back but because there is something that I want you to know. I love someone else, we are getting married probably in a couple of days from when you will receive this letter. I hope you understand, cause you expected me to understand when you had left me hanging while I was down and then wanted me to hold you and hide away my pain behind a smile? I am sorry I couldn’t do it anymore, I was tired. Tired of running behind you while you planned your dream life about being the most powerful man and buying million dollar mansions but you had no space for me in your mansion. Just a lonely man filled with pain and regret of leaving behind bonds for dreams that are merely an illusion. I could have sworn my life on the line that I loved you more than you loved me and that letting you go was probably the hardest decision of my life. I have moved on and hoped you would have done the same but reality seems otherwise.  I have always been wrong in assuming how the reality would turn out to be, because if someone would have asked me back in the time who do I see myself with? There was no other person that popped in my head sooner than you. You were my first priority, king to my kingdom and my knight in the shining armour but look the reality seems otherwise, I am marrying someone else and you are a single father who apparently never got married. You always seemed to be the kind of person to make the best decision but you turned out to be nothing more than a moron. Just when it seemed picture perfect you ruined it all, washed out all the colors from my life.

How many times do you think, you can break a person and then try to put them together before you completely shatter the person apart? You broke a lot of hearts before yours was shattered; you put a lot of people through what you are going right now. You deserve this, you deserve to curl up in the bed at night while something in your chest hurts and you are not sure where does it hurt exactly. You deserve to long for a hand that will hold your palm and walk beside you because you always wanted to hop alone. You adopted a kid because you are lonely and alone, but you need to understand you can’t have that kid bear the burden to fill up the space in your chest. “”

I tip toe out of the house, go buy a pack of cigarettes and sit on the same park bench I saw her 3 years ago, hoping I would see her again right across from me and I would run this time. Run the other way out because love seems to be a bottomless pit. I took the fall but can’t seem to hit the ground. I just keep falling and falling hoping she would somehow break the fall. I light my cigarette and take a deep drag, let out a reliving sigh as if I had just inhaled some fresh oxygen. As I let the smoke out, I see someone walking towards me. Who could it be at this hour in the night? Could it be my long lost love?….

The End.

I try to get you back, but it seems you have got someone else.

You forgot 3 years in 3 weeks and it seems you have started fresh.

But I don’t steal someone else’s break so I turn around and walk away.

I keep my space cause I don’t want to turn into the person that I hate.

So I shut my mouth

Tuck my feelings

And just curl around.