Not your everyday, average thoughts.

There are night’s that kept me wondering whether I was the one who was wrong all along? Whether I was the one who never could see it? Regrets have always weighed me down, I thought I could lift it all; but I was wrong even sometimes I break down. My eye’s too cry sometimes,  some night’s it’s hard to find peace on my mind when at others I can meditate for hours. I have accepted the fact that nothing would last, everything that I have would one day be gone like the things I once had. But I know one thing for sure that at the very moment in time I was there, all of me was there for you.

Today when I look back at things I still have that feeling of guilt for letting go off so easily. Not holding on for longer, at times I wonder about what would have happened if I would stayed back with people instead of finding new one’s to fill their places, how would it feel to be friends with someone for more than 5 years or being in a relationship for more than 6 months. Does it feel good or does it feel boring to listen to the same voices over and over again, does it feel like being chained to an anchor which won’t let you go or does it feel like home?

I could I guess give anything, even sign up my soul to the devil for feeling like home for once.  But I do know that there are people like me out there who hide behind their masks and take cover in the shadows, who are part of a whole but still feel incomplete I totally understand the way you feel. I know how it feels when you are addicted to strangers, I know how it feels when you are on the run and you see a new place that interests you and you think you could settle here and spend your entire life here without having to go around looking for home but I do know that after a certain amount of time the same place feels like an haunted mansion. You don’t like it anymore or maybe you are thirsty of the roads, hungry for another place which would feel like home but won’t be, which would smell like the essence of life but would die after sometime, which would look like light but would dim away with time.

There isn’t anything that could calm the chaos in my head. Your eye’s didn’t help, neither did your touch; your words couldn’t lift me up, neither could your smile but hey it wasn’t you it was me all along. The demon in me is never satisfied,  it never will be satisfied.  I wish even I could be saved or someone could hold my hand and walk me across the tunnel and be like look there light at the end of it all you had to do was believe and I did believe. I had my beliefs all along but what was I supposed to do when the tides of time were stronger than the walls I had built around me, what could I do when I was not myself,  what could I do when I was the storm and the sunshine. I could just keep running and that’s what I did all along.